That Time I Went on a Bad Date in Ireland
This is the story about Tongue First Guy.
I met Tongue First Guy in Starbucks, and he seemed to be pretty cool. We sat and talked for a while getting to know each other, and when I went to leave, he asked me to dinner. I said yes and gave him my number.
A few nights later, he picked me up and took me to a fancy restaurant near Christ’s Church. Everything was going great. Conversation never stopped, I laughed, and the food was good. Then I made the classic move about the check, “What’s my half?” Tongue First Guy said, “€14.95.” My mouth fell open. What the butt dude?! I asked only out of politeness because it was his job to wave me off and say, “No, I’ve got it.” Be a man and pay for my dinner! Of course I had a twenty on me, but had zero intention of using it. As I peered into my wallet, I innocently said back, “Oh, I only have a twenty on me.” Tongue First Guy replied, “Oh okay. You can get it next time.” If there’s gonna be a next time you mean. He and I walked to his car to take me home. Conversation returned to normal and everything was ok, no alarming traits aside from him being a bit stingy.
Once we got to my house, Tongue First Guy walked me to my gate and began the normal goodbye stuff. I knew he was going to kiss me, but I was in no way prepared for what happened. He came at me with his mouth wide open and his tongue hanging out. Dude went tongue first with no possible chance of a kiss. It was a grotesque mixture of slobber and the memory of my first kiss. Eww. This dudes tongue violated my mouth. I would go so far to say that my entire face was violated. I mean, who comes at a girl tongue first? You kiss the girl, and then give her the option of extending it into a make out. You don’t just stick it out there and hope she takes it well. As fast as I could, I push myself away muttering, “Thank you for a nice dinner,” and “Yes, yes. We’ll talk soon.” He tried to pull me in for another go at my face, but I held up my hand telling him that he can’t be greedy. There was not another date.
Dudes do not come at a girl mouth open and tongue first. Gross. 97% of the time, we don’t like it. Back off.